


To Watch Yourself Walk Away

by Clocksmith



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Bodyswap, Gen, Literal Identity Theft, M/M, Minor Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Out of Body Experiences, Sad, more sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clocksmith/pseuds/Clocksmith
Summary: It’s a strange feeling, to watch yourself walk away. To see the back of your own head, with your own eyes. This broken dysphoria takes hold over you. You’re you… but you’re also not. You’re walking away, but you’re being left behind.
Relationships: Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Kudos: 9





	To Watch Yourself Walk Away

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was commissioned by isabellek! I'm an absolutely massive fan of Kingdom hearts a=so this was a genuine treat to work on. If you're interested in a commission yourself, you'll find me hanging around at www.fiverr.com/eerieclocksmith/write-the-thing-if-you-want-the-thing

It’s a strange feeling, to watch yourself walk away. To see the back of your own head, with your own eyes. This broken dysphoria takes hold over you. You’re you… but you’re also not. You’re walking away, but you’re being left behind.

A hand reaches out for me, but it isn’t mine. It merely belongs to the body that I find myself inside. I have no control over it, no influence. Yet, it still feels right; to have this slender hand reaching outwards my body. To have someone act on my behalf, even if she could never know how much it truly means to me.

I follow behind myself, this new Sora. I follow behind Riku as he does the same.

We’re at the Paopu tree, all of us. Just like we used to be. Riku. Kairi. Sora.

And me.

“Sora,” Kairi says.

Sora sits on the tree, staring out into the endless distance. The sun burns low, the sea painted in a heated red and orange glow. Like a well-worn fireplace tempered by the cool breeze of the open ocean. It brings ease to Kairi. I remember it bringing ease to me, too.

Now, it feels diluted. A flavour that I can no longer savour as I once did.

She looks at me, and I feel the smile on her lips. I feel the lightness in her heart as she takes in the sight of Sora. She feels comforted, to know that I am here, right now in front of her. She feels relief in knowing that for the first time in forever, I am here, with Riku by her side.

I look back at her – at us with sad eyes. Something not unlike hesitation filters through the surface, though Kairi doesn’t feel it. I see it in the new Sora’s eyes; like he’s made a choice that he didn’t want to make. Doesn’t want to make. Or maybe shouldn’t.

But then it’s gone.

He pulls himself up and off the Paopu Tree, landing gracelessly on the sand. I would do the same, because I have done so the past. So many times, waiting for Riku and Kairi to come and get me. Or for us all to hang out on the island. I remember, back when things were simpler.

I never could stick the landing as well as Riku could. Even now, despite all I’ve accomplished, that moment still feels important. A habit that I can’t outgrow.

Sora replicates it so well…

“Kairi,” my lips say. That sadness feels heavier on him, now. “I…”

And then I find it, somewhere deep in what remains of my heart.

I find hope.

I feel hope, for just this, moment that everything will get better. That this new me will admit to their mistake. They Naminé will admit who she is.

For a moment further, I almost believe that she will.

But I feel Kairi nod. I feel the conviction in her heart, and I feel the confidence that she has placed in me. In this new me that stands in front of her.

Then… the moment is gone. I watch as the sadness fades from Sora’s face, replaced by the memory of a smile. A smile I can almost remember having, in a specific place at a specific time. As if its being replayed, exactly as it did before.

Was I with Donald and Goofy? Overjoyed to be with them again?

Ariel? Seeing her so happy to have her world as it should be, joyous and filled with smooth music of the ocean?

Or maybe Simba, seeing him smile for the first time in so long.

The smile reminds of Jack and Christmas Town. It reminds of Jack and the Black Pearl. It reminds me of so many moments that I cannot place, so many of them having brought me the smile that now rests upon my face. Hundreds of smiles, each a precious memory in my heart, even if I myself can’t quite remember it.

This Sora’s smile is not real, I tell myself.

But it also is.

He walks towards Kairi, towards me. I see that smile from within her own eyes; they are content at the sight of her. I feel the smile returned in kind, a warmth growing in my chest. In Kairi’s chest.

“It’s just…” I begin. This me, trying out these new words that it can’t take from someplace long ago. “They really need me.”

My eyes look at me, and there’s something there only I could recognise… because it’s me. It’s a feeling that only I remember, because my feelings are mine. My memories are mine, and you can’t replicate that.

Not in the way that Naminé is right now.

They’re my eyes, but I see _her._ Maybe it’s because they belong to me. Maybe it’s because you know through instinct alone what your eyes should look like, in a way that no one else can. In the same way that a reflection doesn’t feel right if just one thing is out of place.

The eyes say, “s _orry.”_

Kairi sees them too, and for a final moment, I hope again. But she only sees me, and my eyes. And she only feels as if the word is meant for her.

It’s an apology to her, for leaving. A blanket disguise, for the apology meant for me.

The next words burst something inside me. Emotion swells up and through my entire being until I almost feel like there’s nothing that could ever contain it. That there’s no way it could ever go unnoticed by friends so close to my heart… but I’m not me, anymore. I don’t have a being. I’m a heart, drifting inside Kairi.

All the feelings in the world, they won’t reach the surface. They can’t; there’s no longer a surface for them to reach. I’m a memory of a memory in her heart. And even if she does feel, it won’t be me.

She’ll feel Naminé. Or at least, she’ll think she is.

“I have to go,” Naminé says, with my voice. “I am who I am… because of them.”

And it’s true, isn’t it? I am who I am, because of them. Because of these other hearts that are suffering.

But then, so are all of us. Each and every heart that is connected to mine. Friends, near and far. They are who they are in this moment because of everything that came before us.

Even if they don’t understand.

They don’t understand the heart they’re connected to isn’t… me. It’s not mine anymore. It’s the heart that now pretends to be me, along with everything that comes with it.

The heart that Riku and Kairi smile at, no reason to disbelieve the words that he is saying. _She_ is saying.

Kairi’s hand reaches out again, a gift offered to Naminé with a gentle smile. The hand holds Kairi’s lucky charm, all warm and precious and handmade. And this new me looks at it with sad eyes as he takes it.

“See you soon,” Kairi says. And I only hope that it’s true.

So does Kairi.

I wait with her, warm inside. Protected, yet knowing. I can feel what she feels and see the world as she sees it. I view the worlds as her heart feels them, and everyone feels the worlds differently. Things feel different, viewed through the eyes of another.

I can’t see.

I can’t see the worlds as I once saw them.

I feel her heart as she spends time with Riku again, before he leaves on his own journey. I feel the deep respect she has for him in her heart. This warmth that tells her that this person is to be trusted, and that she knows that he trusts her in kind.

That trust is something I give him freely, and that I know he would do the same. Even in our darkest moments, when things were bleak and forgotten… I don’t think I would have ever rescinded my trust. I would trust Riku my life. With every part of me.

I trust Kairi, too. As I always have.

But this feeling that once sat inside my heart remains. This feeling of _more_ that warms me whenever I see Riku through Kairi’s eyes. Hope has dried, in me. It’s there, ever present but not as strong as it once was. Each time I look into his eyes, I feel that hope grow, if only for a second. I hope that his heart knows me too well to miss me. Or that it knows me, even when I’m hidden somewhere else.

But then he leaves, too. It feels somehow worse to watch him walk from me. My own body is gone, off on some adventure with my dearest friends… yet to see a heart so precious to mine leave without know that he has left me at all…

When I can’t protect him. Or be there for him.

Or let him know that _I’m_ there for him. Not Naminé. But if he thinks I am…

That’s the most I can hope for as the worlds move on.

I feel the worlds as Kairi trains with Axel. I feel the warmth as he shares ice cream with her. A memory flickers like broken film through my heart, remembered from a dream of a memory long since gone, but it doesn’t last. So pure are Kairi’s feelings, her own memories, that I feel my own faded and locked away. Protected in ways I cannot even hope to convey but locked away all the same.

I feel Kairi as the world grows dark. I feel her until I can’t, anymore. I watch as my friends are broken down, one by one. I watch a battle that I can’t be a part of. A struggle my friends are locked in, a burden I cannot carry with them. Darkness is fighting the light, and I feel everyone drifting away as the shadows take over.

Kairi is gone.

I feel free, for a time. I feel uncontained, cold outside of Kairi’s protection.

That’s when I meet him, again. Her. Naminé.

Sora.

And I can see it in his eyes, in her eyes. She almost believes that there never was a time before he was her, or she, him. She meets me, she hears my voice, in this world at the End of all things. This empty place filled with only endless sky and ever calm water.

“I’m sorry,” she says. Her voice carries on for eternity in the beautiful void. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” is all I find the energy to say, at first. Not because I’m tired, or old. But because I know there’s nothing else that I can say. Not now, and not to her.

But there are things I need to say for the others. For those I can help. Because I can, and there’s nothing I would do before helping my friends.

“You can save Kairi. You can save… all of them,” I explain, but I think she knows. He knows. But now… right now, I can’t be that person. I can’t be the one who helps my friends.

That person stands in front of me, and she is doing what must be done.

“I’ll fix this,” she says. The words are no longer memories from me, but new ones from her. Natural emotions, given freely. Yet… I still can’t tell if they’re real. “I promise. I’ll make everything right.”

I believe her, I really do. With every fibre of the being that I have left. But I can’t tell…

Does she refer to me, or the friends that we’ve yet to save?

I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. I’m not sure how my heart will take it. Not in the days to come. But right now, I’m happy. I’m happy, because I get to help. I get to help those connected to my heart, even if they don’t know it.

Even if they never know it.

And then… I wake up.

I’m on a chair, the feeling of cool leather against my skin. A _feeling_. I _feel_ eyes on me, I _feel_ them looking at me.

Ansem.

Ienzo.

Evan.

I feel what they have done, and what they have given me. I feel with my hands, and my back. I feel with my eyes, taking in the laboratory as I turn my own head.

_A body feels what they have done, and what they have given me. I feel with new hands, and a new back. I feel with new eyes, taking in the laboratory as I turn this new head._

I feel with this new place that I live in, this body that now belongs to the heart I have become. These new hands are slender and pale. A flicker of silver-blonde catches the corner of my eye as the new hair on my new head makes itself known. Just to let me know that I’m still somewhere new, and not the place I should be.

How deeply has Naminé buried my heart, that this body – this vessel that Ansem says was found just for me, that it no longer recognises my heart as my own? That even my own hearts feels that it is no longer my own…

What does mean for me? For whoever I am now…

But who I am now is still the one that is taking it all in. With a new body, by my own choice. I choose to look around, to study the wall of the laboratory. I choose to look into the warmth behind each of their eyes. I choose to take a hand when it’s offered.

Even if the hand offered is not meant for me. Not really. They’re not reaching out for me, for Sora.

They’re reaching out for Naminé.

But I take it, because it’s the only thing I’ve wanted in so long. To feel a hand in mine. A hand I’ve chosen to hold, and one that’s chosen to reach for me. A hand that feels like it’s meant for me…

I feel a fresh breeze against my throat as I’m taken outside and breathe in the cold air. Radiant Gardens sits under a bright sky, the central town square alive with blooming flowers and stray petals flowing in the breeze.

I’m guided to a Gummi Ship, sent just for me, I’m told. Sent just for Naminé.

Riku comes to meet me. To take me home.

Despite all that’s happened, I see that same trust in his eyes. The sparkle of the heart that I wish I could speak to. Even if just to say a few words.

I’m here for you.

I never left you.

I never stopped thinking about.

I love you.

He too reaches out for me, a hand open in friendship for the person I look like. For the person I seem destined to become.

“Riku,” is all I say, my voice light and airy. “It’s good to see you again.”

Because that’s all I can say. Because I’m not Sora, not to him. In this moment, I’m barely Sora to me.

I breathe the stale air from inside a Gummi Ship alongside Riku. We speak of experiences I only know from stories he’s told me, long ago. Of things Naminé mentioned in our brief time together. We talk of our shared experience in Castle Oblivion, for little that he knows… yet I was not there.

I’m not sure if I’m even here right now.

I smell the salt of the Destiny Islands. I feel the hearts of my friends as they smile around me, sitting on the beach, playing games. Swimming in the sea and sharing stories that have never been told before.

And I see me, sat by Kairi. I see him, on the tree, just like I did oh so long ago. Sat there, not ready to jump.

Yet he disappears all the same. A faded breath on a warming mirror.

I’m gone.

Naminé is gone.

Maybe one day Naminé will keep her promise. Maybe one day, our friends will know what she did, and where I’ve been. Maybe my friends will remember me and hold me in the knowledge that I am the one that they are holding.

But right now, wherever Naminé is, whatever she has sacrificed… I can be with my friends. I can see them smile. All of them. I can talk to them, hold them. Share stories with them and hear what they have experienced.

I can hear of what they did with Sora.

Maybe they were surprised, to have me hug them. To have Naminé go to each and every one of them with tears in her eyes, as if they are family that she had thought long since gone. Maybe they all acted this way, when I was still locked away. Maybe this is normal. I don’t ask, because I don’t think I want to know.

I want to know how I feel now and enjoy these feelings as my own. I want to spend this time with the friends I’ve lost and found again. I want to make them smile.

Until a better day comes, that’s all I could ask for.


End file.
